Confidence

We have had our Nuchal Translucency Ultrasound and the results were great. We were lucky in that the doctor who performs the NT at our regular hospital was on vacation and it is an ultrasound that needs to be done at a specific time so we were sent to a contracted OB office to have it done. I say this was lucky because their machines and technology are much more advanced than what Kaiser seems to have. We got a 3D/4D ultrasound with just our $10 co-pay (the only time we have to pay for anything during this pregnancy). It was such an amazing experience. We saw you moving around everywhere. You were flipping from one side to the other. It’s funny because on the screen you look so big, but in reality you are only about 3 inches long right now. That’s as long as my index finger! So tiny, yet you have provided us with so much joy in just such a short period of time. This amazing ultrasound allowed us and the doctor’s to see that your organs are all growing, that your heart is beating away (in the 150’s) and that you have your little fingers and little toes. It has allowed us to breathe a sigh of relief that you are real and doing well in there and will come meet us in 6 months (or so). It has been a long and stressful year for your daddy and me, so it was the best thing in the world to see you happy and healthy wiggling all over the place. We got a glimpse of your face (admittedly still a bit alien like) and you are gorgeous to us. Your outline showed us your tiny little nose and puckered lips. We saw your hands moving around (but not sucking your thumb yet) and your crossed legs at the ankles. Even with your ankles crossed we got a clear view of your gender. We had it written down by the technician, but we both knew you were a BOY. You did not hide your privates from the machine. I was afraid we wouldn’t find out until you were born, so I am very grateful that it was clear as day to see. (Maybe one day this will embarrass you!) Daddy has been a part of this pregnancy from day one, but he was nervous about everything being okay just like I was. This ultrasound was done exactly 6 months from the date that your older brother or sister (I think it was a sister) passed away. Having gone through this so recently we were both on edge and worried about what may or may not be with you. Having the doctor tell us that everything looked good was such a relief that we could barely stand it. Since that day daddy has been constantly putting his hand on my belly and laying his head on it as well. It’s way too soon for him or even for me to fill you moving (although I’m surprised since you move so much!) but it makes me happy to see him taking such an active approach. We have a  Doppler at home and the day after the ultrasound I lay down next to daddy as he took a nap and he woke up just enough to ask me to put it on so he could hear your heartbeat. It wasn’t the first time we heard it at home, but it was the first time he had requested it. You have a great daddy!

Bonding

I have to admit that this has been hard. From the moment that I got the two pink lines on the pregnancy test I loved you; there is no doubt at all about that. It is that very love that has scared me and kept me anxious about what may come. I have taken a step back with my pregnancy with you, without consciously doing so, and have not bonded with you during these first few months of pregnancy as much as I would have liked. I haven’t done it on purpose. My brain is trying to protect my heart, although I know that no matter how much I bond or don’t bond the pain will be the same. Maybe it is helping with the anxiety I face while waiting to make sure everything is okay. Honest truth is that I am afraid of something going wrong. We are now past the crucial 12 weeks of the first trimester and your heartbeat is there and strong and you are moving around, but that fear is still there deep inside of me. As of my writing of this (at 12w6d) we are still waiting for our Nuchal Translucency Ultrasound tomorrow (at 13 weeks). This ultrasound along with some blood work that was taken on September 2 nd will give us an idea of whether or not there are any genetic/chromosomal problems. It will tell us whether there is a low or high risk that you have Down’s Syndrome or Trisomy 18. It can also detect other problems like Turner’s Syndrome and other more rare issues. There is no increased risk for Down’s syndrome for you as far as my age is concerned, I’m only 31 (32 in a couple of weeks) but these things don’t always follow the rules and something may be wrong. I desperately want to bond. I want to feel confident that everything will be fine, that you will be healthy and secure inside of me for the next 6 months. I’m hoping that with the ultrasound tomorrow everything will come back perfect (and who knows, if you are a boy we may even find out tomorrow!) and that bonding connection can become so strong that we feel confident to start picking out names (if you are a girl we already know what your name will be!) and start researching cribs and strollers and all those other needed things for your arrival in March.

Informing

I had let your dad know that as soon as we had a positive I wanted to tell my family and there really wasn’t an argument, it was just what was going to happen. I sent pictures to them daily of the progression of my home pregnancy tests and Nikki was there when I took the one during my lunch hour on the 11 th . I actually wanted to tell everyone as soon as we knew, however I had to respect you dad’s feelings and opinions. We had told everyone about your angel sibling just 5 days before finding out that they had passed away. He did not want to go through having to tell people about a miscarriage again. I did convince him to tell his parents pretty early on. They were very supportive and I knew that if we lost you we would need their support (I also knew I would tell the world either way). Daddy’s mom wants to be called Nana, but daddy wants you to call her grandma (we shall have to see who wins!). Nana wanted to tell her mom, Grandma C, and we told her that was fine. As I mentioned previously I also told my co-workers at about 8 weeks because my belly was getting to difficult to hide (and we are in summer so no jackets or sweaters!). At about 9 weeks I told my extended family in Argentina who are so incredibly supportive and happy for you to be on the way! I don’t know what I would do without them! At the point that I conceived you 5 of my cousins were expecting babies! As of now 2 of them have given birth. Of the six, 2 are boys and 3 are girls… we shall have to wait and see which team you join! After our 10 weeks ultrasound daddy felt pretty comfortable in telling people. We had seen and heard the heartbeat and we had read that the chances of a miscarriage at this point were less than 1% (and he knew I was anxious to tell people!). It was important to me for daddy to tell his sisters first and personally before we announced on Facebook. Right after our appointment he called them to let them know. With the help of my dear friend Amanda we put together a graphic that I posted that night on Facebook letting the world know you were on your way! Everyone is super excited and ready to meet you!

Symptoms

Having symptoms was a big deal for me. When my symptoms disappeared (mainly morning sickness) with my previous pregnancy I knew something was wrong. I’ve never felt that way with you. I had morning sickness with you until about week 8 or 9, maybe even 10. It wasn’t as strong as it was the previous pregnancy, but it was consistent and lasted until it is normal for it to dissipate. I wasn’t as tired or fatigued this time, but I did have days in which I just couldn’t move anymore by the end of the day or that I needed a nap in the middle of it (luckily my job is non-stressful and I could rest when I needed to). My belly began to show at around the same time and this time I tried to embrace it sooner. I told my co-workers after my 8 week appointment because I was very uncomfortable wearing jeans tied up with an elastic band at work all day. We didn’t have to tell anyone else at that point since I wasn’t seeing anyone that would notice. As far as cravings go I haven’t really had cravings in the typical way. When people would talk about certain foods or restaurants that’s when I wanted to eat it. Did someone say Taco Bell? I had to have nachos (actually as I write this I now want nachos!). Last pregnancy I could not stand beef in any way other than ground, this time I have no issues (thank goodness! I love beef!) I am really liking burgers though… and French fries! Okay, maybe I shouldn’t be talking about food! The most annoying symptom I’ve had is oil. My face is so oily that I need to clean it more than once a day. The usual astringent I use is not pregnancy safe, so I’ve been using rice paper to wipe the grease away.

Frequency

Since Dr. K saw how distraught I was (and it was all subconscious, I didn’t plan on crying, it just came out naturally) she offered to give me ultrasound appointments every 2 weeks so I can be reassured that everything was fine (I knew I couldn’t go 3 weeks like I did in March). This has been so helpful to me. Each ultrasound I have been to, has given be less and less anxiety. The following ultrasounds (at 8, 10, and 12 weeks) progressively got better. We saw your heart beating at 8 weeks, and heard it loud and clear at 10 weeks.
While each ultrasound made me feel better, the fear of losing you was (and is) strong. I purchased a home Doppler to listen to your heartbeat from him. I started to try at around 8 weeks but I knew it was still very early. Finally at 11 weeks, 5 days, 2 days before our next ultrasound I was able to spot you. It was incredible. You heartbeat is so fast and seems so sure. It gave me a confidence boost that I (and daddy) needed. 
At the 12 week ultra sound on September 9th I was feeling good and for the first time I was able to feel completely happy. I didn’t make it this far during my first pregnancy so to see you shaped like a baby (and not a peanut or alien) was great. We could clearly see your head and body and even your arms and legs. You were moving around and even waving at us! It was the sweetest and cutest thing I had ever seen. Your cousin Nikki was there and got to take video so we will forever have it saved. Some day you will gush about how little and cute you were at 12 weeks gestation!
I had figured that I would not be given another appointment for a while since with this one we are just about at the 2 nd trimester where chances of miscarriage drop significantly. I had also thought I would feel that I didn’t need to come back. However the midwife asked when I wanted to come back and that it was up to me. I told her that in 3 weeks would be perfect since I would be having the Nuchal Translucency Ultrasound in a week. Ask and it will be done.

Tell The World!!!

Knowing what I know now I will act differently in any subsequent pregnancies. I will not hide the fact that I’m pregnant like a dirty secret for the first trimester. There is no reason to hide it. They say that it is so that we don’t have to tell everyone if we have a miscarriage. I found that I wanted to tell EVERYONE when it happened. And I did. I started texting people who I had never told I was pregnant in the first place to tell them my grief.

It got me thinking that there is no reason to hide it. Miscarriages are happening all the time to people all around us. 1 in 4 women suffer a miscarriage in their lives. I am one of those 4, but with the amount of people we know, the likelyhood is that many of the people around me have suffered through it as well. I know about a few but as I share my story more and more women are coming to me and telling me their stories.

Most women suffer in silence. They may talk to a few family members and their partner, but they don’t have anyone else to talk to about it. There are forums and Facebook groups that are terribly helpful, but sometimes you just need to be able to vent to someone who knows exactly what you are talking about. I’m lucky that I have a couple of family members who have experienced similar situations and they are willing to let me talk to them and ask them questions. It’s part of the grieving process.

Not everyone is as lucky. I hope that the movements that have been coming up in the last few years (from what I can tell) to get people to be open about their losses keeps progressing.

Of course I’m not saying that you should share it if you don’t want to or are uncomfortable doing so. It is definitely YOUR decision to make. My point is that it is YOUR decision and not just the communities decision that says it’s taboo to do so.

I haven’t experienced this, but I know that there are people who will tell women who announce their pregnancies early on that they are jinxing it. That they will have bad luck. Simply a bunch of negativity. It simply isn’t true.

We shared the news of the pregnancy with our parents, my siblings and nieces and nephew pretty early on. Then the Friday before we found out the baby had stopped growing we told his siblings and grandma. Doing this did NOT cause the miscarriage.

As I mentioned, the miscarriage was destined to happen as soon as sperm met egg. There was something wrong with one or the other or the combination of both. But there was absolutely NOTHING we could have done to know or to cause or to prevent the miscarriage from happening.

As much as I don’t want people to say these things to me, I know they are true. They just don’t make me feel better or change the amount of grief I feel. 

Ramblings About... My Miscarriage

Exactly 1 week ago (fromt the time I write this) I was finding out that my baby had died inside of me. I have always wanted to have a baby and life has made it so that I finally got pregnant on January 13th, 2016. I found out 10 days later and I saw my baby on an ultrasound on February 16th, 2016. 

My husband and I have been married nearly 2 years, together for over 4. It was time to start since I am already in my 30’s (he is 6 months younger than me). 

I was so extatic when I saw the two lines giving me a positive pregnancy test that I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to hold it in. I had to yell it out loud. But I played it cool and when my husband walked into the room a few minutes later I shoved the little sitck in his face. I took 3 or 4 tests one right after the other to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. They were all very positive. 

We called and made the appointment to see the doctor and there was no going back. I had a little baby growing inside of me. You may call it a zygote or embryo or whatever, but to me, from the moment I saw those two lines it was MY BABY. Our baby. Something we created. I knew life would change but we were ready for it. We have tons of family support (and even some nudging that it’s time to have kids) from both sides. 

Now, with the baby gone. No heartbeat and the baby not having grown past 7 or so weeks, we have nothing and I feel so completely empty. 

I knew it was coming, too. I don’t know how, because I was the one that kept telling my husband that the probability of miscarriage was low since we had seen the heartbeat. But somewhere around 8 to 9 weeks my symptoms disappeared seemingly overnight. I know that symptoms can go away. I wasn’t worried immediately, but as time went on I just felt like something was wrong. 

I expressed this to my mom and my husband who reassured me that everything was fine. I wasn’t bleeding, I didn’t have cramps. There were no signs that anything was wrong. 

If would we knew. Well, nothing would have changed other than I would have had had to carry my baby, already without life, for 3 weeks and 3 days inside of me. I think that is what is painful. That the poor baby was inside of me without anyone knowing he was dead. 

Who am I kidding, there are so many things that are painful about this (and I’m sorry that this is just a rambling post, but I have to get out what’s in my head in whatever way it comes). 

I though, beforehand, that the worse part would be giving birth to the baby. It was, but not the physical pain. The cramps weren’t worse than I had experience in normal periods. The emortional pain of knowing that my baby was sitting in the toilet and would just be discarded is what really got to me. 

Logically I know all the reasons: it’s better this way, God had other plans, he probably had chromosomal defects that prevented him from growing so that he wouldn’t suffer. Mother nature knows best, my body knew what to do. 

None of that matters. My baby is dead and I will never hold him in my arms. I’ll never know what it is to hold my first child. When people ask me how many kids I have (if I am able to have kids, that’s a whole other post) I’ll have to mention that I lost my first. Which I am not ashamed to do. But I know that people won’t know how to react to my statement. I will make them uncomfortable. 

I am struggling. I push through each day, but I have to hold the tears back. I’m back at work (I can’t take more time off). People here know what happened, but no one approaches me. Almost like I’m this weird thing that they don’t know how to deal with.