Birthday Planning

I've only thrown parties that are mostly disorganized and nothing matches. Then I organized my wedding and it turned out okay. 

This is sort of a brain dump of what has been worrying me. 

But now I'm freaking out! My dad turns 80 on 1 month from today, the same day I turn 30. I think that 80 is a pretty important number so I decided I would throw a party for him. But I don't know what to do or how to really organize it. 

One of things I really hated doing for our wedding was the decorating, that's why it was nice having it in my in-law's back yard where the plants were natural decorations. Then my husband's aunt added decorations to the backyard. 

The party will be in the recreation room in my parents' complex (my dad knows nothing about it and I hope it can be a surprise!) which is an okay looking place, but I definitely need to add decorations to make it look festive. 

I went into Party City this weekend and unfortunately they don't have much in the way of 80th birthday party supplies. The only items that were actually packaged as "80" were some plates and napkins. There are other decorations in which you can add any number you want - which I am thinking will be the way we have to go. 

With that decided I still have to figure out how much I need of which items. Do I need streamers? Should I get balloons that say 80 or just different colored ones? Do I buy a helium tank or should I just get them filled at the store? 

There are SO many things to consider and I hate doing it all. If I just had all the things in front of me I can decorate, but going through the picking and choosing? I hate it. 

If anyone wants to go through Party City's site and tell me what I should get - that'd be awesome! 

The only things that I have accomplished has been getting the invitations made. They were designed by The fabulous Amanda Nicole from Knock on Wood and I had them printed at Wal*Mart's website. I know that the food will come from the same place that catered my wedding and that the cake will come from my high school friend who made my wedding cake. 

I also have the invite list. 

I would like to be able to celebrate my birthday - and I'd love my husband to throw me a party. My husband's cousins' husband threw her an awesome 30th party 2 years ago and I would love something similar... but I know it won't be coming for me.

Okay. I know this was pretty crappy as posts go, but I needed to get my anxieties about this out! 

Anxiety Spilleth Over

This is what I wrote while lying on Thomas’ bed on Saturday night. I was in the dark and only had my wedding notebook with me. I needed to write…

I can’t deal with all of this. I do well on my own, but when I’m placed in a situation with his family it drives me crazy. I feel completely stressed out and judged. I feel like they are constantly looking at me and judging what I do.

A lot of the time I feel like that most of the time the wedding is for his family and not for us. I want my family included as well, but the majority of them are in Argentina which makes it all but impossible for them to be there for it.

It just makes me feel bad… I had a meltdown. I cried and cried some more. On Thomas’ bed. He must think I’m absolutely crazy. He wants me to be close to his family but I don’t know how. I don’t know how t be a friend. I never have and much less with the pressure added of it being his family and them talking about me. I am very sensitive and I don’t’ know when something is truly a joke or when they are just saying something as a joke.

Obviously there are things here, reading back, that do not make sense. They are also things that I know on the inside are not true. I know they are most likely not judging me or talking about me behind my back. But I feel like that even if they have given me no reason to think it. They are a great family. It was one of the things I really loved about Thomas when we first met. He had a great big family which was united and close to each other. It’s how my family is.

Somehow between then and now I have simply lost my s***. At some point several years ago I decided that I was doing well enough that I did not need to be on anti-anxiety medication any longer. For the most part that has kept true. I’m hesitant to say that I need to go back on them on a regular basis. I’m hopeful that the reason from my anxieties and fears about my in-laws (and others, although it has been my relationship with them for the past bit) is wholly because of the wedding and house buying. I am hopeful that in a just over a month when the house buying and wedding are both behind me everything will get back to the normal I was used to.

That normal being that I can be in a social situation with his family and not feel like a complete outcast. A normal that is that I sit with them, but mostly stay quiet because I am unsure of what to say and when to say it. Something that I am used to in just about all social situations. I always tend to say the wrong thing. When I try to say something it always seems to me that I’m ignored and/or that what I say is inappropriate (this isn’t just with them but in all situations – work included). While that may not be the best situation and may not be ideal but at least I am more comfortable than how I have been feeling lately.

I hope that I don’t have to have any more negative posts or comments on here. I feel like I’ve been such a downer lately. Please bear with me.

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Hey! It's okay...

It was one heck of a weekend so I think that finding all things that are okay is definitely something I needed.

Hey! It’s okay…

• That I cried. I needed to relieve some stress and get out the things that were going on in my head that I couldn’t otherwise express. I might have freaked Thomas out a bit (a lot), and even though it sucked having a panic attack at the time… I sort of feel like I was able to express a lot of my worries and concerns.
• That I bought a fridge on Sunday evening without Thomas there. I asked him to go with me but he said he didn’t want to. I went with my mom and I chose a fridge that I am happy with. I’ll go and check it out with Thomas to make sure he likes it.
• That I am a bit of a perfectionist, especially when it comes to my wedding. Unfortunately this has caused a lot of arguments between Thomas and I, but I stand by wanting things specific ways. I’m discovered that I am sort of a micromanager and not being able to control certain aspects of the wedding is driving me insane.
• That I spend the majority of my 3-minutes-between-calls time reading blogs. My morning at work usually consists of taking calls and then reading blogs 3 minutes at a time. After I get through all the blogs I go to Twitter, then I will either scroll through Instagram or start writing my own blog post (like this one, during my lunch hour).
• (probably not okay, but it’s okay…) that I peel my gel nail polish office as time gets close to getting them re-done. I leave them on for a month, so the last week they begin to peel. I’ll be getting them redone tonight! I only have 2 more times before the wedding and then I will no longer go to the salon for them.
• That I do not love being in social situations and that I sometimes would rather hang out just with Thomas or on my own. .
• That I have not been worrying about losing weight for now. My plan is that when I get back from my honeymoon (which is to Argentina so it will include a lot of red meat, gelato dulce de leche, facturas and masa finas) I will reevaluate my weight and where I want to be. I will plan out meals (I think I will start off doing lots of crock pot recipes) that both Thomas and I enjoy and that are healthy for us. It will be a work in progress to learn to cook for two on a daily basis and to learn which veggies he will and will not eat.
• To feel a bit of relief to have our loan approved. We are about 11 days away from closing escrow. I still very much dislike our realtor, but thanks to a great broker my spirits have been up. We should have our appraisal completed any day now.
• To not be completely excited about the bridal shower that I’m having on Sunday. Don’t get me wrong, I am VERY grateful for it, but because it is a social event it is giving me a bit of anxiety which in turns does not allow me to be excited.
• To be upset that flights for our honeymoon were as low $849 round trip and by the time I went to buy them they had gone up $200 per ticket. I’m holding out hope that they will go back down soon.
• That this post is really long… so I will stop here!

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