This is what I wrote while lying on Thomas’ bed on Saturday night. I was in the dark and only had my wedding notebook with me. I needed to write…
I can’t deal with all of this. I do well on my own, but when I’m placed in a situation with his family it drives me crazy. I feel completely stressed out and judged. I feel like they are constantly looking at me and judging what I do.
A lot of the time I feel like that most of the time the wedding is for his family and not for us. I want my family included as well, but the majority of them are in Argentina which makes it all but impossible for them to be there for it.
It just makes me feel bad… I had a meltdown. I cried and cried some more. On Thomas’ bed. He must think I’m absolutely crazy. He wants me to be close to his family but I don’t know how. I don’t know how t be a friend. I never have and much less with the pressure added of it being his family and them talking about me. I am very sensitive and I don’t’ know when something is truly a joke or when they are just saying something as a joke.
Obviously there are things here, reading back, that do not make sense. They are also things that I know on the inside are not true. I know they are most likely not judging me or talking about me behind my back. But I feel like that even if they have given me no reason to think it. They are a great family. It was one of the things I really loved about Thomas when we first met. He had a great big family which was united and close to each other. It’s how my family is.
Somehow between then and now I have simply lost my s***. At some point several years ago I decided that I was doing well enough that I did not need to be on anti-anxiety medication any longer. For the most part that has kept true. I’m hesitant to say that I need to go back on them on a regular basis. I’m hopeful that the reason from my anxieties and fears about my in-laws (and others, although it has been my relationship with them for the past bit) is wholly because of the wedding and house buying. I am hopeful that in a just over a month when the house buying and wedding are both behind me everything will get back to the normal I was used to.
That normal being that I can be in a social situation with his family and not feel like a complete outcast. A normal that is that I sit with them, but mostly stay quiet because I am unsure of what to say and when to say it. Something that I am used to in just about all social situations. I always tend to say the wrong thing. When I try to say something it always seems to me that I’m ignored and/or that what I say is inappropriate (this isn’t just with them but in all situations – work included). While that may not be the best situation and may not be ideal but at least I am more comfortable than how I have been feeling lately.
I hope that I don’t have to have any more negative posts or comments on here. I feel like I’ve been such a downer lately. Please bear with me.
