Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving! 

I am so thankful today. 2016 has been a rough year for me (as I know it has been for many people... especially this month). This year has brought the absolute hardest days of my life to some of the best. 

The other day I was thinking that I will have spent 9 months of the year pregnant and 3 more months next year, so in a period of 15 months I will have been pregnant for 12 months (with a 3 month break in Spring). 

I am sitting here, on my couch, under a cozy blanket early in the morning on Thanksgiving Day and I feel baby Logan moving every once and again. Last weekend I went through a hard time because I hadn't felt him move since Friday morning and it freaked me out. I had been feeling him pretty consistently throughout the days and then all weekend it stopped. 

On Sunday afternoon I put the doppler to find the heartbeat, which I found right away, which definitely made me feel better - especially when he bumped against it and moved away. Then at 3am Monday morning I got up to use the restroom and when I came back to bed he was having a party. I can tell I am already in trouble when it comes to sleeping when he is born! 

Since the he has once again been moving enough to keep me happy. Last night, especially, I felt him just about every time I woke up to use the bathroom. 

I cannot explain how incredibly happy it makes me to feel him move. The feeling was weird at the beginning, but it is now so very comforting. To know that I have a little human growing inside of me... It is amazing. I so absolutely love knowing he is inside of me and feeling him move. 

Ahhhh! Like I said, I can't explain the feeling. It is the nicest thing. Thomas has yet to feel Logan, but hopefully he will soon. I have been able to feel him kick by putting my hand on my abdomen, but it can be hard to feel and it takes patience. I was able to see a kick one time, but not since. 

Next year will be so different. I am going to enjoy our last Thanksgiving (and other holidays) with Logan inside of me instead of out.  I am going to give thanks for being given a 2nd change to become a mom and that everything is going so well. I am so grateful for this opportunity and for all the people who pushed us forward and held us up this year. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Confidence

We have had our Nuchal Translucency Ultrasound and the results were great. We were lucky in that the doctor who performs the NT at our regular hospital was on vacation and it is an ultrasound that needs to be done at a specific time so we were sent to a contracted OB office to have it done. I say this was lucky because their machines and technology are much more advanced than what Kaiser seems to have. We got a 3D/4D ultrasound with just our $10 co-pay (the only time we have to pay for anything during this pregnancy). It was such an amazing experience. We saw you moving around everywhere. You were flipping from one side to the other. It’s funny because on the screen you look so big, but in reality you are only about 3 inches long right now. That’s as long as my index finger! So tiny, yet you have provided us with so much joy in just such a short period of time. This amazing ultrasound allowed us and the doctor’s to see that your organs are all growing, that your heart is beating away (in the 150’s) and that you have your little fingers and little toes. It has allowed us to breathe a sigh of relief that you are real and doing well in there and will come meet us in 6 months (or so). It has been a long and stressful year for your daddy and me, so it was the best thing in the world to see you happy and healthy wiggling all over the place. We got a glimpse of your face (admittedly still a bit alien like) and you are gorgeous to us. Your outline showed us your tiny little nose and puckered lips. We saw your hands moving around (but not sucking your thumb yet) and your crossed legs at the ankles. Even with your ankles crossed we got a clear view of your gender. We had it written down by the technician, but we both knew you were a BOY. You did not hide your privates from the machine. I was afraid we wouldn’t find out until you were born, so I am very grateful that it was clear as day to see. (Maybe one day this will embarrass you!) Daddy has been a part of this pregnancy from day one, but he was nervous about everything being okay just like I was. This ultrasound was done exactly 6 months from the date that your older brother or sister (I think it was a sister) passed away. Having gone through this so recently we were both on edge and worried about what may or may not be with you. Having the doctor tell us that everything looked good was such a relief that we could barely stand it. Since that day daddy has been constantly putting his hand on my belly and laying his head on it as well. It’s way too soon for him or even for me to fill you moving (although I’m surprised since you move so much!) but it makes me happy to see him taking such an active approach. We have a  Doppler at home and the day after the ultrasound I lay down next to daddy as he took a nap and he woke up just enough to ask me to put it on so he could hear your heartbeat. It wasn’t the first time we heard it at home, but it was the first time he had requested it. You have a great daddy!

Bonding

I have to admit that this has been hard. From the moment that I got the two pink lines on the pregnancy test I loved you; there is no doubt at all about that. It is that very love that has scared me and kept me anxious about what may come. I have taken a step back with my pregnancy with you, without consciously doing so, and have not bonded with you during these first few months of pregnancy as much as I would have liked. I haven’t done it on purpose. My brain is trying to protect my heart, although I know that no matter how much I bond or don’t bond the pain will be the same. Maybe it is helping with the anxiety I face while waiting to make sure everything is okay. Honest truth is that I am afraid of something going wrong. We are now past the crucial 12 weeks of the first trimester and your heartbeat is there and strong and you are moving around, but that fear is still there deep inside of me. As of my writing of this (at 12w6d) we are still waiting for our Nuchal Translucency Ultrasound tomorrow (at 13 weeks). This ultrasound along with some blood work that was taken on September 2 nd will give us an idea of whether or not there are any genetic/chromosomal problems. It will tell us whether there is a low or high risk that you have Down’s Syndrome or Trisomy 18. It can also detect other problems like Turner’s Syndrome and other more rare issues. There is no increased risk for Down’s syndrome for you as far as my age is concerned, I’m only 31 (32 in a couple of weeks) but these things don’t always follow the rules and something may be wrong. I desperately want to bond. I want to feel confident that everything will be fine, that you will be healthy and secure inside of me for the next 6 months. I’m hoping that with the ultrasound tomorrow everything will come back perfect (and who knows, if you are a boy we may even find out tomorrow!) and that bonding connection can become so strong that we feel confident to start picking out names (if you are a girl we already know what your name will be!) and start researching cribs and strollers and all those other needed things for your arrival in March.

Informing

I had let your dad know that as soon as we had a positive I wanted to tell my family and there really wasn’t an argument, it was just what was going to happen. I sent pictures to them daily of the progression of my home pregnancy tests and Nikki was there when I took the one during my lunch hour on the 11 th . I actually wanted to tell everyone as soon as we knew, however I had to respect you dad’s feelings and opinions. We had told everyone about your angel sibling just 5 days before finding out that they had passed away. He did not want to go through having to tell people about a miscarriage again. I did convince him to tell his parents pretty early on. They were very supportive and I knew that if we lost you we would need their support (I also knew I would tell the world either way). Daddy’s mom wants to be called Nana, but daddy wants you to call her grandma (we shall have to see who wins!). Nana wanted to tell her mom, Grandma C, and we told her that was fine. As I mentioned previously I also told my co-workers at about 8 weeks because my belly was getting to difficult to hide (and we are in summer so no jackets or sweaters!). At about 9 weeks I told my extended family in Argentina who are so incredibly supportive and happy for you to be on the way! I don’t know what I would do without them! At the point that I conceived you 5 of my cousins were expecting babies! As of now 2 of them have given birth. Of the six, 2 are boys and 3 are girls… we shall have to wait and see which team you join! After our 10 weeks ultrasound daddy felt pretty comfortable in telling people. We had seen and heard the heartbeat and we had read that the chances of a miscarriage at this point were less than 1% (and he knew I was anxious to tell people!). It was important to me for daddy to tell his sisters first and personally before we announced on Facebook. Right after our appointment he called them to let them know. With the help of my dear friend Amanda we put together a graphic that I posted that night on Facebook letting the world know you were on your way! Everyone is super excited and ready to meet you!

Symptoms

Having symptoms was a big deal for me. When my symptoms disappeared (mainly morning sickness) with my previous pregnancy I knew something was wrong. I’ve never felt that way with you. I had morning sickness with you until about week 8 or 9, maybe even 10. It wasn’t as strong as it was the previous pregnancy, but it was consistent and lasted until it is normal for it to dissipate. I wasn’t as tired or fatigued this time, but I did have days in which I just couldn’t move anymore by the end of the day or that I needed a nap in the middle of it (luckily my job is non-stressful and I could rest when I needed to). My belly began to show at around the same time and this time I tried to embrace it sooner. I told my co-workers after my 8 week appointment because I was very uncomfortable wearing jeans tied up with an elastic band at work all day. We didn’t have to tell anyone else at that point since I wasn’t seeing anyone that would notice. As far as cravings go I haven’t really had cravings in the typical way. When people would talk about certain foods or restaurants that’s when I wanted to eat it. Did someone say Taco Bell? I had to have nachos (actually as I write this I now want nachos!). Last pregnancy I could not stand beef in any way other than ground, this time I have no issues (thank goodness! I love beef!) I am really liking burgers though… and French fries! Okay, maybe I shouldn’t be talking about food! The most annoying symptom I’ve had is oil. My face is so oily that I need to clean it more than once a day. The usual astringent I use is not pregnancy safe, so I’ve been using rice paper to wipe the grease away.

Frequency

Since Dr. K saw how distraught I was (and it was all subconscious, I didn’t plan on crying, it just came out naturally) she offered to give me ultrasound appointments every 2 weeks so I can be reassured that everything was fine (I knew I couldn’t go 3 weeks like I did in March). This has been so helpful to me. Each ultrasound I have been to, has given be less and less anxiety. The following ultrasounds (at 8, 10, and 12 weeks) progressively got better. We saw your heart beating at 8 weeks, and heard it loud and clear at 10 weeks.
While each ultrasound made me feel better, the fear of losing you was (and is) strong. I purchased a home Doppler to listen to your heartbeat from him. I started to try at around 8 weeks but I knew it was still very early. Finally at 11 weeks, 5 days, 2 days before our next ultrasound I was able to spot you. It was incredible. You heartbeat is so fast and seems so sure. It gave me a confidence boost that I (and daddy) needed. 
At the 12 week ultra sound on September 9th I was feeling good and for the first time I was able to feel completely happy. I didn’t make it this far during my first pregnancy so to see you shaped like a baby (and not a peanut or alien) was great. We could clearly see your head and body and even your arms and legs. You were moving around and even waving at us! It was the sweetest and cutest thing I had ever seen. Your cousin Nikki was there and got to take video so we will forever have it saved. Some day you will gush about how little and cute you were at 12 weeks gestation!
I had figured that I would not be given another appointment for a while since with this one we are just about at the 2 nd trimester where chances of miscarriage drop significantly. I had also thought I would feel that I didn’t need to come back. However the midwife asked when I wanted to come back and that it was up to me. I told her that in 3 weeks would be perfect since I would be having the Nuchal Translucency Ultrasound in a week. Ask and it will be done.

Transition!

I have been hot and cold with this blog for a while. The pressure of having to post daily or even just a few times a week got to me. I dropped it all instead of just posting when I wanted to.

I started the blog as a way to decompress from my wedding planning (I planned it all myself in like 4 months). It definitely helped. Then life got busy and I had nothing to say.

But now, as you can tell by the blog design I have plenty to say and talk about. I am going to try to post often, but it will be much more about posting when I want to share or document something. I am keeping a journal for my pregnancy, but I wanted to post here as well. I am going to use this almost as a diary to my baby as we progress through this pregnancy and beyond.

I already have some posts that I pre-wrote, but before I post those I wanted to do a little bit of a transition post. The last time I posted here it was a lot of venting about my miscarriage so I didn’t want it to be so cut and move on as it otherwise would have seemed.

So… this post might be a little long.

I found out about my miscarriage on March 15 th , 2016. I was 10w5d pregnant
and I was going in for a regularly scheduled midwife ultrasound. It was obvious pretty quickly that something wasn’t right, but I tried to keep my hopes up initially. My husband couldn’t make it that day so my mom came with me instead. My midwife was training another one so they were both in the room. At first they had tried to do an abdominal ultrasound, when that wasn’t showing anything they gave me a vaginal ultrasound. It was obvious that the midwives were getting nervous at this point and didn’t know what to say or do. They went ahead and called the OB on call.

He took quite a while to show up. He did and wasn’t able to find the baby, or if he did, he did not point it out to me. He gave me time to get dressed and went out. In the time it took for him to get back I called Thomas and he was able to make it to the hospital.

The doctor explained that it was most likely a chromosomal defect that caused the miscarriage. He said that the baby was destined to not survive since conception. He also said that “at least you know you can get pregnant”. As you can imagine this was not helpful at all (I have learned since that this particular doctor has been a pretty bad doctor to two of my friends).

I requested to have a more thorough ultrasound done by radiology just to ensure that the baby was indeed gone. A stage of grief I suppose. My sister had told me that they had told her something similar when she was pregnant with my youngest niece and so she insisted on a more detailed ultrasound in which they were able to find the baby hidden. That was not the case for me, but I couldn’t just let it go without making absolutely sure. At this ultrasound we were able to see the baby, who had stopped growing at 7w2d (per measurements).

I passed the baby just before midnight on 3/16/16, at home, in my bathroom. Thomas was sleeping. He got up, but he had to go to work the next day. I think it was his way of coping. I stayed at home for the rest of the week. My family visited me and I tried to take it easy. I definitely was going through some denial. I didn’t cry too much at first.

It was something that happened over time.

I don’t think I will ever be done grieving. I was recently speaking with someone who had a couple of miscarriages over 45 years ago and she still thinks about the baby’s that she never held.

I knew that I wanted to try and conceive right away. Partly it was the need to fill the void (although one baby does not replace the other in no way whatsoever) and partly for the same reason I was in a hurry to conceive to begin with – I’m not in my 20’s anymore.

I tracked my cycles using Ovulation Prediction Kits (like a pregnancy test, but it tracks when you ovulate) and in my 3 rd cycle after my miscarriage I conceived again – on July 1 st , 2016.

I was happy, but I was also super-duper nervous. I had a panic attack at my first ultrasound and I just couldn’t look at the screen. Thomas did well and I glanced over. The doctor understood my anxiety and asked if I would like to come in again two weeks later to help me keep calm. Normally the next appointment wouldn’t have been for a month. From that point (I was 6 weeks at the time) I had an ultrasound done every 2 weeks until I was 15 weeks.

The posts that I will be putting up in the coming days were written in the first few weeks of pregnancy. I am now almost 18 weeks along with an estimated due date of March 24, 2017.

Conceived

July 11 th 2016 – This is the date that I got the blazing positive pregnancy test that let me know that you were inside of me. I tested the day before and had a faint line that I took for a positive but it was faint enough that not everyone saw it as a positive. On Monday the 11 th I went to work and held my pee all morning. At lunch time I went home and took another test. It was clear that we were once again pregnant. My cycles have been off since coming off of birth control in October 2015. I had a short cycle of just 24 days followed by a 41 day cycle and then a third cycle in which I conceived in mid-January on cycle day 41. I miscarried that pregnancy on March 16 th 2016. Following the miscarriage I had a 43 day cycle, a 36 day cycle, then during the next cycle I ovulated on cycle day 28 and conceived you.
Since my cycles were anything but regular I had to use OPKs (ovulation prediction kits/tests) to see when I would ovulate so I could be sure to get pregnant. I used them in January when I got pregnant so I knew they worked if I was patient. Thanks to the OPK I was able to know exactly how far along I was when the pregnancy test came back positive. That 11 the of July I was barely 3 weeks and 3 days pregnant.
I called to schedule an intake appointment right away and went in for blood work on July 18 th . I was so happy to get results back that showed that my HCG (the pregnancy hormone) was at 637. (I went back 2 days later to make sure it doubled as it should, and it did! On July 22 nd the results were 3586!). I also had a glucose test which I passed by the skin of my teeth (scoring 134mg/dL which is the highest you can get without having to do the 3 hour test!).
My first appointment with the OBGYN (Dr. K) was on July 29 th at 6 weeks pregnant. I have to admit that I cried so hard at this appointment that people might have thought I had received bad news. The emotion of them finding you there with a heartbeat was incredible. My tears were for the happiness of having you inside of me and also for the loss of just a few months before. I was relieved but so nervous and anxious about what could come.

Part 2 of What I Hope You Never Experience

I knew. I knew as soon as she put the ultrasound wand inside of me that the baby was no longer there. I didn't cry yet. They called in the on-call doctor. I called my husband. That's when I started to break down. 
Trying to stay strong I told Hime 'there is no baby'. The line was bad, hospitals like to block cell phones. I tried texting him. My phone was dying. My mom's didn't have reception. 
He said he was on his way. 
The doctor arrived and he did the vaginal ultrasound and confirmed that the baby wasn't there. Well... More on that later. 
The doctor left to let me get dressed. Thomas arrived soon thereafter. I tell him what happened and the doctor comes back to explain things. 
He said that it was most likely chromosomal. Something wasn't right from the beginning. He essentially said that the baby was destined not to make it from the moment we conceived. He told us that there was nothing that we could have done to prevent it, that there was nothing that we had done to cause it. 
He went on to say that at least "we could get pregnant".... Which I found a bit rude. 
He gave me three options. The first being to not do anything and let the baby come out on its own. I knew I didn't want to do this because it had already been 3 weeks and nothing was happening. 
The second choice was to have a D & C, which means they surgically removed the baby. He didn't recommend this as it can cause damage and is invasive. 
The last and most often chosen option was to use the medication Cytotec. It basically stimulates the uterus to contract and go into labor. 
I chose the last option. 
After speaking to my sister who had once been told her baby had died and then referred to radiology to do a more thorough ultrasound in which they found my niece... I decided to ask to have a radiologist do an ultrasound. It's not that I really thought that I would be told anything different, but I couldn't take the medication without being 100% sure that the baby had died. 
When the doctor did the ultrasound he didn't show me anything. He just said the baby wasn't there. When I went to radiology the next day and they did the ultrasound I was actually able to see where the baby was and it was obvious that the baby had stopped growing. 
At nearly 11 weeks you should be able to see the head, the body... etc. What we saw was basically what we had seen at 6w5d when we saw the heart beat. I saw my OBGYN that day and she told me the baby measured 7w2d. 
So in other words the baby passed a few days after we last were in the office. What I experienced was what is called a Missed Miscarriage (or the less liked name of Missed Abortion). This essentially means that the baby stopped growing but my body did not recognize that and so the hormones stayed and my belly stayed looking pregnant, but the baby was gone. 
With confirmation that are baby was no longer alive... On the afternoon of March 16th 2016 I took the Cytotec to cause labor contractions to start. 
I will have another post explaining that process. 

I Hope You Never Experience This

I was in the midst of writing some posts to share the wonderful news that I was pregnant when I had to stop and hit delete. 
Instead I'm writing this post. A post that may not be for you - the people who may still have me on their feeds, but for the people who search for specific terms to find it. Although there are some similar posts out there, I couldn't find any that were exactly or, in some cases, anywhere close to what I'm going through right now. I want to be able to bring my story to others in case they need it. 
I know I'm being a bit vague, so let me clarify a bit.
On January 23rd after a couple of days of cramping but with Aunt Flo (AF) not showing up I thought I would take a pregnancy test. We had been trying for just over 3 months at that point. The test came back very positive. Two beautiful pink lines (and then blue, then a cross, then a "pregnant") came back. 
I was having very irregular periods right after coming off of birth control. I had a 22 day cycle, followed by 41 days, and on my third cycle I ovulated on day 41. I was surprised that I got a positive test so quickly (although my mom always told me that the women in her line are very fertile!). 
I quickly made a doctor's appointment on the 29th which confirmed I was indeed pregnant but it was very early. A couple of weeks later I went back for a dating ultrasound which placed me at 6w5d and a due date of October 6th. We saw a heart beat at this appointment (although it was too soon to hear). 
We told few people about the pregnancy in fears of having a miscarriage, but it was not something we actually thought would happen. Especially since we saw the heartbeat and the chances of miscarriage at that point are so low. 
By that point I had started to have morning sickness, my smelling abilities increased, and my skin was super oily. My stomach was bloated and I looked pregnant. I didn't gain much weight even though I was eating a lot more than normal. 
However, somewhere around 8 weeks my morning sickness disappeared. I knew that this was perfectly normal, but as the next 2 weeks went on I began to grow anxious. I mentioned to my husband that I didn't feel right. That something was off. I didn't have any symptoms. I even emailed my doctor on the 11th of March with my worries. She wasn't in, but a nurse said that since I hadn't had any cramping or blood/spotting that everything was most likely fine and to keep drinking a lot of water. 
I want to say that I wish I had gone to the doctor, but it's not as though anything could have been done at that point anyway. The end had already happened. 
On March 15th I had a monthly appointment with a midwife to do a physical and listen for the heartbeat I was 10w5d at that point (so exactly 4 weeks after my initial dating ultrasound). My husband said I could let my mom go with me to this appointment since we had been told it was just a physical and no ultrasound would be done 
The midwife took information and then said that it was too early to listen for the heartbeat so that we would do an ultrasound. I was excited because I knew that at this point the baby would look like a baby and not just a peanut. 
The midwife started with an abdominal ultrasound and then said my bladder was too full. Which confused me since I was under the impression that for an abdominal ultrasound you needed a full bladder (you do). That should've sent me me warning signals immediately. But what did I know? Maybe I was wrong. She sent me to empty my bladder and told me we would do a vaginal ultrasound (which I don't find uncomfortable at all). 
I was still excited at this point, in hindsight I see that she knew what she was (or, really, wasn't) going to see but was hiding it. And this is what is really bothering me now. But, alas it makes no difference now. But it did make me not want to deal with midwives in the future - I'll stick to OBGYN's. 
I will continue this.... 

Tell The World!!!

Knowing what I know now I will act differently in any subsequent pregnancies. I will not hide the fact that I’m pregnant like a dirty secret for the first trimester. There is no reason to hide it. They say that it is so that we don’t have to tell everyone if we have a miscarriage. I found that I wanted to tell EVERYONE when it happened. And I did. I started texting people who I had never told I was pregnant in the first place to tell them my grief.

It got me thinking that there is no reason to hide it. Miscarriages are happening all the time to people all around us. 1 in 4 women suffer a miscarriage in their lives. I am one of those 4, but with the amount of people we know, the likelyhood is that many of the people around me have suffered through it as well. I know about a few but as I share my story more and more women are coming to me and telling me their stories.

Most women suffer in silence. They may talk to a few family members and their partner, but they don’t have anyone else to talk to about it. There are forums and Facebook groups that are terribly helpful, but sometimes you just need to be able to vent to someone who knows exactly what you are talking about. I’m lucky that I have a couple of family members who have experienced similar situations and they are willing to let me talk to them and ask them questions. It’s part of the grieving process.

Not everyone is as lucky. I hope that the movements that have been coming up in the last few years (from what I can tell) to get people to be open about their losses keeps progressing.

Of course I’m not saying that you should share it if you don’t want to or are uncomfortable doing so. It is definitely YOUR decision to make. My point is that it is YOUR decision and not just the communities decision that says it’s taboo to do so.

I haven’t experienced this, but I know that there are people who will tell women who announce their pregnancies early on that they are jinxing it. That they will have bad luck. Simply a bunch of negativity. It simply isn’t true.

We shared the news of the pregnancy with our parents, my siblings and nieces and nephew pretty early on. Then the Friday before we found out the baby had stopped growing we told his siblings and grandma. Doing this did NOT cause the miscarriage.

As I mentioned, the miscarriage was destined to happen as soon as sperm met egg. There was something wrong with one or the other or the combination of both. But there was absolutely NOTHING we could have done to know or to cause or to prevent the miscarriage from happening.

As much as I don’t want people to say these things to me, I know they are true. They just don’t make me feel better or change the amount of grief I feel. 

Ramblings About... My Miscarriage

Exactly 1 week ago (fromt the time I write this) I was finding out that my baby had died inside of me. I have always wanted to have a baby and life has made it so that I finally got pregnant on January 13th, 2016. I found out 10 days later and I saw my baby on an ultrasound on February 16th, 2016. 

My husband and I have been married nearly 2 years, together for over 4. It was time to start since I am already in my 30’s (he is 6 months younger than me). 

I was so extatic when I saw the two lines giving me a positive pregnancy test that I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to hold it in. I had to yell it out loud. But I played it cool and when my husband walked into the room a few minutes later I shoved the little sitck in his face. I took 3 or 4 tests one right after the other to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. They were all very positive. 

We called and made the appointment to see the doctor and there was no going back. I had a little baby growing inside of me. You may call it a zygote or embryo or whatever, but to me, from the moment I saw those two lines it was MY BABY. Our baby. Something we created. I knew life would change but we were ready for it. We have tons of family support (and even some nudging that it’s time to have kids) from both sides. 

Now, with the baby gone. No heartbeat and the baby not having grown past 7 or so weeks, we have nothing and I feel so completely empty. 

I knew it was coming, too. I don’t know how, because I was the one that kept telling my husband that the probability of miscarriage was low since we had seen the heartbeat. But somewhere around 8 to 9 weeks my symptoms disappeared seemingly overnight. I know that symptoms can go away. I wasn’t worried immediately, but as time went on I just felt like something was wrong. 

I expressed this to my mom and my husband who reassured me that everything was fine. I wasn’t bleeding, I didn’t have cramps. There were no signs that anything was wrong. 

If would we knew. Well, nothing would have changed other than I would have had had to carry my baby, already without life, for 3 weeks and 3 days inside of me. I think that is what is painful. That the poor baby was inside of me without anyone knowing he was dead. 

Who am I kidding, there are so many things that are painful about this (and I’m sorry that this is just a rambling post, but I have to get out what’s in my head in whatever way it comes). 

I though, beforehand, that the worse part would be giving birth to the baby. It was, but not the physical pain. The cramps weren’t worse than I had experience in normal periods. The emortional pain of knowing that my baby was sitting in the toilet and would just be discarded is what really got to me. 

Logically I know all the reasons: it’s better this way, God had other plans, he probably had chromosomal defects that prevented him from growing so that he wouldn’t suffer. Mother nature knows best, my body knew what to do. 

None of that matters. My baby is dead and I will never hold him in my arms. I’ll never know what it is to hold my first child. When people ask me how many kids I have (if I am able to have kids, that’s a whole other post) I’ll have to mention that I lost my first. Which I am not ashamed to do. But I know that people won’t know how to react to my statement. I will make them uncomfortable. 

I am struggling. I push through each day, but I have to hold the tears back. I’m back at work (I can’t take more time off). People here know what happened, but no one approaches me. Almost like I’m this weird thing that they don’t know how to deal with.