Confidence

We have had our Nuchal Translucency Ultrasound and the results were great. We were lucky in that the doctor who performs the NT at our regular hospital was on vacation and it is an ultrasound that needs to be done at a specific time so we were sent to a contracted OB office to have it done. I say this was lucky because their machines and technology are much more advanced than what Kaiser seems to have. We got a 3D/4D ultrasound with just our $10 co-pay (the only time we have to pay for anything during this pregnancy). It was such an amazing experience. We saw you moving around everywhere. You were flipping from one side to the other. It’s funny because on the screen you look so big, but in reality you are only about 3 inches long right now. That’s as long as my index finger! So tiny, yet you have provided us with so much joy in just such a short period of time. This amazing ultrasound allowed us and the doctor’s to see that your organs are all growing, that your heart is beating away (in the 150’s) and that you have your little fingers and little toes. It has allowed us to breathe a sigh of relief that you are real and doing well in there and will come meet us in 6 months (or so). It has been a long and stressful year for your daddy and me, so it was the best thing in the world to see you happy and healthy wiggling all over the place. We got a glimpse of your face (admittedly still a bit alien like) and you are gorgeous to us. Your outline showed us your tiny little nose and puckered lips. We saw your hands moving around (but not sucking your thumb yet) and your crossed legs at the ankles. Even with your ankles crossed we got a clear view of your gender. We had it written down by the technician, but we both knew you were a BOY. You did not hide your privates from the machine. I was afraid we wouldn’t find out until you were born, so I am very grateful that it was clear as day to see. (Maybe one day this will embarrass you!) Daddy has been a part of this pregnancy from day one, but he was nervous about everything being okay just like I was. This ultrasound was done exactly 6 months from the date that your older brother or sister (I think it was a sister) passed away. Having gone through this so recently we were both on edge and worried about what may or may not be with you. Having the doctor tell us that everything looked good was such a relief that we could barely stand it. Since that day daddy has been constantly putting his hand on my belly and laying his head on it as well. It’s way too soon for him or even for me to fill you moving (although I’m surprised since you move so much!) but it makes me happy to see him taking such an active approach. We have a  Doppler at home and the day after the ultrasound I lay down next to daddy as he took a nap and he woke up just enough to ask me to put it on so he could hear your heartbeat. It wasn’t the first time we heard it at home, but it was the first time he had requested it. You have a great daddy!

Bonding

I have to admit that this has been hard. From the moment that I got the two pink lines on the pregnancy test I loved you; there is no doubt at all about that. It is that very love that has scared me and kept me anxious about what may come. I have taken a step back with my pregnancy with you, without consciously doing so, and have not bonded with you during these first few months of pregnancy as much as I would have liked. I haven’t done it on purpose. My brain is trying to protect my heart, although I know that no matter how much I bond or don’t bond the pain will be the same. Maybe it is helping with the anxiety I face while waiting to make sure everything is okay. Honest truth is that I am afraid of something going wrong. We are now past the crucial 12 weeks of the first trimester and your heartbeat is there and strong and you are moving around, but that fear is still there deep inside of me. As of my writing of this (at 12w6d) we are still waiting for our Nuchal Translucency Ultrasound tomorrow (at 13 weeks). This ultrasound along with some blood work that was taken on September 2 nd will give us an idea of whether or not there are any genetic/chromosomal problems. It will tell us whether there is a low or high risk that you have Down’s Syndrome or Trisomy 18. It can also detect other problems like Turner’s Syndrome and other more rare issues. There is no increased risk for Down’s syndrome for you as far as my age is concerned, I’m only 31 (32 in a couple of weeks) but these things don’t always follow the rules and something may be wrong. I desperately want to bond. I want to feel confident that everything will be fine, that you will be healthy and secure inside of me for the next 6 months. I’m hoping that with the ultrasound tomorrow everything will come back perfect (and who knows, if you are a boy we may even find out tomorrow!) and that bonding connection can become so strong that we feel confident to start picking out names (if you are a girl we already know what your name will be!) and start researching cribs and strollers and all those other needed things for your arrival in March.

Informing

I had let your dad know that as soon as we had a positive I wanted to tell my family and there really wasn’t an argument, it was just what was going to happen. I sent pictures to them daily of the progression of my home pregnancy tests and Nikki was there when I took the one during my lunch hour on the 11 th . I actually wanted to tell everyone as soon as we knew, however I had to respect you dad’s feelings and opinions. We had told everyone about your angel sibling just 5 days before finding out that they had passed away. He did not want to go through having to tell people about a miscarriage again. I did convince him to tell his parents pretty early on. They were very supportive and I knew that if we lost you we would need their support (I also knew I would tell the world either way). Daddy’s mom wants to be called Nana, but daddy wants you to call her grandma (we shall have to see who wins!). Nana wanted to tell her mom, Grandma C, and we told her that was fine. As I mentioned previously I also told my co-workers at about 8 weeks because my belly was getting to difficult to hide (and we are in summer so no jackets or sweaters!). At about 9 weeks I told my extended family in Argentina who are so incredibly supportive and happy for you to be on the way! I don’t know what I would do without them! At the point that I conceived you 5 of my cousins were expecting babies! As of now 2 of them have given birth. Of the six, 2 are boys and 3 are girls… we shall have to wait and see which team you join! After our 10 weeks ultrasound daddy felt pretty comfortable in telling people. We had seen and heard the heartbeat and we had read that the chances of a miscarriage at this point were less than 1% (and he knew I was anxious to tell people!). It was important to me for daddy to tell his sisters first and personally before we announced on Facebook. Right after our appointment he called them to let them know. With the help of my dear friend Amanda we put together a graphic that I posted that night on Facebook letting the world know you were on your way! Everyone is super excited and ready to meet you!

Symptoms

Having symptoms was a big deal for me. When my symptoms disappeared (mainly morning sickness) with my previous pregnancy I knew something was wrong. I’ve never felt that way with you. I had morning sickness with you until about week 8 or 9, maybe even 10. It wasn’t as strong as it was the previous pregnancy, but it was consistent and lasted until it is normal for it to dissipate. I wasn’t as tired or fatigued this time, but I did have days in which I just couldn’t move anymore by the end of the day or that I needed a nap in the middle of it (luckily my job is non-stressful and I could rest when I needed to). My belly began to show at around the same time and this time I tried to embrace it sooner. I told my co-workers after my 8 week appointment because I was very uncomfortable wearing jeans tied up with an elastic band at work all day. We didn’t have to tell anyone else at that point since I wasn’t seeing anyone that would notice. As far as cravings go I haven’t really had cravings in the typical way. When people would talk about certain foods or restaurants that’s when I wanted to eat it. Did someone say Taco Bell? I had to have nachos (actually as I write this I now want nachos!). Last pregnancy I could not stand beef in any way other than ground, this time I have no issues (thank goodness! I love beef!) I am really liking burgers though… and French fries! Okay, maybe I shouldn’t be talking about food! The most annoying symptom I’ve had is oil. My face is so oily that I need to clean it more than once a day. The usual astringent I use is not pregnancy safe, so I’ve been using rice paper to wipe the grease away.

Frequency

Since Dr. K saw how distraught I was (and it was all subconscious, I didn’t plan on crying, it just came out naturally) she offered to give me ultrasound appointments every 2 weeks so I can be reassured that everything was fine (I knew I couldn’t go 3 weeks like I did in March). This has been so helpful to me. Each ultrasound I have been to, has given be less and less anxiety. The following ultrasounds (at 8, 10, and 12 weeks) progressively got better. We saw your heart beating at 8 weeks, and heard it loud and clear at 10 weeks.
While each ultrasound made me feel better, the fear of losing you was (and is) strong. I purchased a home Doppler to listen to your heartbeat from him. I started to try at around 8 weeks but I knew it was still very early. Finally at 11 weeks, 5 days, 2 days before our next ultrasound I was able to spot you. It was incredible. You heartbeat is so fast and seems so sure. It gave me a confidence boost that I (and daddy) needed. 
At the 12 week ultra sound on September 9th I was feeling good and for the first time I was able to feel completely happy. I didn’t make it this far during my first pregnancy so to see you shaped like a baby (and not a peanut or alien) was great. We could clearly see your head and body and even your arms and legs. You were moving around and even waving at us! It was the sweetest and cutest thing I had ever seen. Your cousin Nikki was there and got to take video so we will forever have it saved. Some day you will gush about how little and cute you were at 12 weeks gestation!
I had figured that I would not be given another appointment for a while since with this one we are just about at the 2 nd trimester where chances of miscarriage drop significantly. I had also thought I would feel that I didn’t need to come back. However the midwife asked when I wanted to come back and that it was up to me. I told her that in 3 weeks would be perfect since I would be having the Nuchal Translucency Ultrasound in a week. Ask and it will be done.

Transition!

I have been hot and cold with this blog for a while. The pressure of having to post daily or even just a few times a week got to me. I dropped it all instead of just posting when I wanted to.

I started the blog as a way to decompress from my wedding planning (I planned it all myself in like 4 months). It definitely helped. Then life got busy and I had nothing to say.

But now, as you can tell by the blog design I have plenty to say and talk about. I am going to try to post often, but it will be much more about posting when I want to share or document something. I am keeping a journal for my pregnancy, but I wanted to post here as well. I am going to use this almost as a diary to my baby as we progress through this pregnancy and beyond.

I already have some posts that I pre-wrote, but before I post those I wanted to do a little bit of a transition post. The last time I posted here it was a lot of venting about my miscarriage so I didn’t want it to be so cut and move on as it otherwise would have seemed.

So… this post might be a little long.

I found out about my miscarriage on March 15 th , 2016. I was 10w5d pregnant
and I was going in for a regularly scheduled midwife ultrasound. It was obvious pretty quickly that something wasn’t right, but I tried to keep my hopes up initially. My husband couldn’t make it that day so my mom came with me instead. My midwife was training another one so they were both in the room. At first they had tried to do an abdominal ultrasound, when that wasn’t showing anything they gave me a vaginal ultrasound. It was obvious that the midwives were getting nervous at this point and didn’t know what to say or do. They went ahead and called the OB on call.

He took quite a while to show up. He did and wasn’t able to find the baby, or if he did, he did not point it out to me. He gave me time to get dressed and went out. In the time it took for him to get back I called Thomas and he was able to make it to the hospital.

The doctor explained that it was most likely a chromosomal defect that caused the miscarriage. He said that the baby was destined to not survive since conception. He also said that “at least you know you can get pregnant”. As you can imagine this was not helpful at all (I have learned since that this particular doctor has been a pretty bad doctor to two of my friends).

I requested to have a more thorough ultrasound done by radiology just to ensure that the baby was indeed gone. A stage of grief I suppose. My sister had told me that they had told her something similar when she was pregnant with my youngest niece and so she insisted on a more detailed ultrasound in which they were able to find the baby hidden. That was not the case for me, but I couldn’t just let it go without making absolutely sure. At this ultrasound we were able to see the baby, who had stopped growing at 7w2d (per measurements).

I passed the baby just before midnight on 3/16/16, at home, in my bathroom. Thomas was sleeping. He got up, but he had to go to work the next day. I think it was his way of coping. I stayed at home for the rest of the week. My family visited me and I tried to take it easy. I definitely was going through some denial. I didn’t cry too much at first.

It was something that happened over time.

I don’t think I will ever be done grieving. I was recently speaking with someone who had a couple of miscarriages over 45 years ago and she still thinks about the baby’s that she never held.

I knew that I wanted to try and conceive right away. Partly it was the need to fill the void (although one baby does not replace the other in no way whatsoever) and partly for the same reason I was in a hurry to conceive to begin with – I’m not in my 20’s anymore.

I tracked my cycles using Ovulation Prediction Kits (like a pregnancy test, but it tracks when you ovulate) and in my 3 rd cycle after my miscarriage I conceived again – on July 1 st , 2016.

I was happy, but I was also super-duper nervous. I had a panic attack at my first ultrasound and I just couldn’t look at the screen. Thomas did well and I glanced over. The doctor understood my anxiety and asked if I would like to come in again two weeks later to help me keep calm. Normally the next appointment wouldn’t have been for a month. From that point (I was 6 weeks at the time) I had an ultrasound done every 2 weeks until I was 15 weeks.

The posts that I will be putting up in the coming days were written in the first few weeks of pregnancy. I am now almost 18 weeks along with an estimated due date of March 24, 2017.

Tell The World!!!

Knowing what I know now I will act differently in any subsequent pregnancies. I will not hide the fact that I’m pregnant like a dirty secret for the first trimester. There is no reason to hide it. They say that it is so that we don’t have to tell everyone if we have a miscarriage. I found that I wanted to tell EVERYONE when it happened. And I did. I started texting people who I had never told I was pregnant in the first place to tell them my grief.

It got me thinking that there is no reason to hide it. Miscarriages are happening all the time to people all around us. 1 in 4 women suffer a miscarriage in their lives. I am one of those 4, but with the amount of people we know, the likelyhood is that many of the people around me have suffered through it as well. I know about a few but as I share my story more and more women are coming to me and telling me their stories.

Most women suffer in silence. They may talk to a few family members and their partner, but they don’t have anyone else to talk to about it. There are forums and Facebook groups that are terribly helpful, but sometimes you just need to be able to vent to someone who knows exactly what you are talking about. I’m lucky that I have a couple of family members who have experienced similar situations and they are willing to let me talk to them and ask them questions. It’s part of the grieving process.

Not everyone is as lucky. I hope that the movements that have been coming up in the last few years (from what I can tell) to get people to be open about their losses keeps progressing.

Of course I’m not saying that you should share it if you don’t want to or are uncomfortable doing so. It is definitely YOUR decision to make. My point is that it is YOUR decision and not just the communities decision that says it’s taboo to do so.

I haven’t experienced this, but I know that there are people who will tell women who announce their pregnancies early on that they are jinxing it. That they will have bad luck. Simply a bunch of negativity. It simply isn’t true.

We shared the news of the pregnancy with our parents, my siblings and nieces and nephew pretty early on. Then the Friday before we found out the baby had stopped growing we told his siblings and grandma. Doing this did NOT cause the miscarriage.

As I mentioned, the miscarriage was destined to happen as soon as sperm met egg. There was something wrong with one or the other or the combination of both. But there was absolutely NOTHING we could have done to know or to cause or to prevent the miscarriage from happening.

As much as I don’t want people to say these things to me, I know they are true. They just don’t make me feel better or change the amount of grief I feel. 

Worries and Concerns

Before I get sucked into another book I wanted to post something.

I’ve been reading like crazy lately and instead of blogging between phone calls at work I am reading. I think I’ve read a dozen books in the last 6 months, including the first three Game of Thrones books.

I need to get something off my chest. I’m worried and scared. I’ve mentioned in the past that I’m on a couple of different oral medications for the nerve damage that breaking 5 ribs several years ago caused. Unfortunately these medications are not compatible with pregnancy (no, I’m not pregnant) so in order to even start trying to get pregnant I need to be completely off of these medications. Several months ago my doctor and I decided on a plan to reduce my dependency on the medication slowly so that I wouldn’t have withdrawals.

One of the medications I’m on, Gabapentin, I was taking 800mg 3 times a day. I slowly reduced that to 400mg 3 times a day, and then changed the pill (initially it was an 800mg pill so I then cut it in half) to the 300mg capsule. The next step was reducing the times I took it. I started to not take one at night around June. This happened while I was going through a lot of stuff at work as well. I started getting really bad migraines. I was taking Excedrin every day. I even got a prescription medication for the migraines.  I went to see my primary care doctor and during that appointment I realized that the migraines had begun at the same time that I had changed my medication.

Cutting an even longer story short, the reduction in the Gabapentin was causing the migraines. My pain management doctor told me that this medication can also be prescribed to people who suffer from migraines. It wasn’t the reason why I was given the medication, but apparently going off the medicine is giving me that side effect. I had to go back onto it at night and now I’m in a holding pattern until my next appointment with her on October 14^th.

On top of my worries of being off all the pain medication and being in pain while attempting to get pregnant, now I’m worried that I’ll be in daily pain from the migraines. I so badly want to have my own children. Experience pregnancy and labor/birth. I worry what this new situation will mean for me. I’m very antsy for the 14^th to get here so that we can figure out what I can do to not suffer from the migraines.  

Ribs O Pain

I was going to write about my week today but I need to feel sorry for myself for a little bit. This is a long post, and it deals with my chronic pain and my fears of being able to be pregnant. I’d appreciate you reading it, but I understand that there are a lot of words and nothing in ways of pictures. 

I know that there are many, many people who are dealing with a lot more pain than I am. But that does mean that my pain doesn’t matter. It does. 

I’ve always had upper back pain. Okay, not always, but from about the age of 14. I’m a couple of months away from my 30^th birthday now. That pain, though, would be strong some days and less severe other days. I was prescribed a muscle relaxant that I would take when the pain got to be too strong for me. I remember that from about 6/2014 2012 and before I was maybe taking it once a month. 

Then in July 2014 I got hurt. I don’t know how, exactly, though. The only thing I remember is zipping up a dress and feeling pain down my arm. I thought I pulled a muscle or something. Nearly a year later I found out that I had broken 5 ribs on my right side. During that year I was in so much pain I didn’t want to do anything. Towards the fall I couldn’t get up or lay down without help. I had to lay on my right side to have some type of relief.  The doctor’s I went to told me it was just inflammation and to take some anti-inflammatory medication – which never seemed to help. 

Finally in May 2013 a doctor at my new insurance through Kaiser ordered me an x-ray, which revealed 3 broken bones. An MRI (or was it CT scan?) later on revealed 2 other broken bones.  

I got the call at work and started to cry. I wasn’t imagining the pain after all! There was a reason that I felt stabbing pain under my right breast. 

Then came another problem. Why was I still in pain if my initial injury was nearly a year earlier?  

After seeing different doctors, having scans, blood work, and countless other things done I was given the sad news: if you’re still in pain you will probably always be. It’s unlikely it will get better. 

The bones had healed somewhat. They are still healing now, though, 2 years later. So the pain that I feel now is not the broken ribs, but the result of the ribs being broken. 

Nerve damage. The doctor explained that when the ribs broke they probably damaged the nerve that runs from the spine in between the ribs. While nerves do heal, they should have healed by now. 

So the answer is medication. I’m on a nerve pain medicine called Gabapentin. I’m at the highest dosage (800mg, 3 x a day) and I’m taking Tramadol along with it twice a day. 

I’m still in a lot of pain. I feel it all the way from under my right breast to my back. Sometimes, when the pain is more unbearable than other times, I take a Norco instead of the Tramadol. But I’m afraid that I’m hurting myself taking so many medications.

The last few days the pain has been worse than it has been (maybe the adrenaline of the wedding and honeymoon masked the pain?) and so I started thinking about when I have kids. 

When Thomas and I decide that we want to have a baby I will have to be taken off the Gabapentin. It’s not compatible with pregnancy. Thinking about this makes me cry. I want more than anything to be pregnant and have babies, but how can I do that if my body doesn’t agree with it? If my body will betray me and give be so much pain that I can’t handle being pregnant. 

I’m so afraid of not being able to have my own children. I worry about our finances. While I won’t lose my job (a positive of being a government employee), I only have so much paid time off, and it’s nowhere near enough to cover 9 months off. 

If you’ve read this, thank you. I needed to get it off my chest. I needed to talk about it. 

Pregnancy Fears

I don’t plan on becoming pregnant for at least another 2 years, but like most women in their late 20s I’m thinking about what it will be like. I’ve never feared pregnancy until this year when I realized that my pain will not be going away. What I didn’t talk about in my post explaining my broken ribs and damaged nerves was that it has resulted in my inability to lift or carry heavy things. While I can work around this on a day to day basis – my fiancée can carry grocery bags, I can use a cart, or have someone help me – the fear I have is what will happen when we do decide to get pregnant.

The medication I take for the pain cannot be used during a pregnancy. At all. I have to go off of it once we decide it is time to become parents. If I’m in pain under maximum dosages of 2 medications what will happen once I have to go off of it for what I imagine will be a year or more (I don’t know if I would have to be off it during breast feeding). There is hope of course. Sometimes the hormones that are produced during pregnancy can help alleviate pain (or so Dr. Miles/Pain tells me).

Sometimes I joke about it and having a surrogate. But that isn’t what I want. I want to carry my own baby and I want to do it without any pain that isn’t directly related to the pregnancy itself. I guess you could say I am disappointed in myself, in my body.

Then, of course, will be the issue of carrying my baby once she or he is born. Even on the medication if I carry something heavy I am left in more pain the next days (depending on how heavy it is and for how long I carried it). Lifting my nephew sometimes triggers it (although he is 5 years old). To that end, though, I’d rather be in pain and be able to hold my child and pick them up when a cuddle is needed than to forgo it all.

Only time will tell.

/end sad post