Ramblings About... My Miscarriage

Exactly 1 week ago (fromt the time I write this) I was finding out that my baby had died inside of me. I have always wanted to have a baby and life has made it so that I finally got pregnant on January 13th, 2016. I found out 10 days later and I saw my baby on an ultrasound on February 16th, 2016. 

My husband and I have been married nearly 2 years, together for over 4. It was time to start since I am already in my 30’s (he is 6 months younger than me). 

I was so extatic when I saw the two lines giving me a positive pregnancy test that I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to hold it in. I had to yell it out loud. But I played it cool and when my husband walked into the room a few minutes later I shoved the little sitck in his face. I took 3 or 4 tests one right after the other to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. They were all very positive. 

We called and made the appointment to see the doctor and there was no going back. I had a little baby growing inside of me. You may call it a zygote or embryo or whatever, but to me, from the moment I saw those two lines it was MY BABY. Our baby. Something we created. I knew life would change but we were ready for it. We have tons of family support (and even some nudging that it’s time to have kids) from both sides. 

Now, with the baby gone. No heartbeat and the baby not having grown past 7 or so weeks, we have nothing and I feel so completely empty. 

I knew it was coming, too. I don’t know how, because I was the one that kept telling my husband that the probability of miscarriage was low since we had seen the heartbeat. But somewhere around 8 to 9 weeks my symptoms disappeared seemingly overnight. I know that symptoms can go away. I wasn’t worried immediately, but as time went on I just felt like something was wrong. 

I expressed this to my mom and my husband who reassured me that everything was fine. I wasn’t bleeding, I didn’t have cramps. There were no signs that anything was wrong. 

If would we knew. Well, nothing would have changed other than I would have had had to carry my baby, already without life, for 3 weeks and 3 days inside of me. I think that is what is painful. That the poor baby was inside of me without anyone knowing he was dead. 

Who am I kidding, there are so many things that are painful about this (and I’m sorry that this is just a rambling post, but I have to get out what’s in my head in whatever way it comes). 

I though, beforehand, that the worse part would be giving birth to the baby. It was, but not the physical pain. The cramps weren’t worse than I had experience in normal periods. The emortional pain of knowing that my baby was sitting in the toilet and would just be discarded is what really got to me. 

Logically I know all the reasons: it’s better this way, God had other plans, he probably had chromosomal defects that prevented him from growing so that he wouldn’t suffer. Mother nature knows best, my body knew what to do. 

None of that matters. My baby is dead and I will never hold him in my arms. I’ll never know what it is to hold my first child. When people ask me how many kids I have (if I am able to have kids, that’s a whole other post) I’ll have to mention that I lost my first. Which I am not ashamed to do. But I know that people won’t know how to react to my statement. I will make them uncomfortable. 

I am struggling. I push through each day, but I have to hold the tears back. I’m back at work (I can’t take more time off). People here know what happened, but no one approaches me. Almost like I’m this weird thing that they don’t know how to deal with.

Worries and Concerns

Before I get sucked into another book I wanted to post something.

I’ve been reading like crazy lately and instead of blogging between phone calls at work I am reading. I think I’ve read a dozen books in the last 6 months, including the first three Game of Thrones books.

I need to get something off my chest. I’m worried and scared. I’ve mentioned in the past that I’m on a couple of different oral medications for the nerve damage that breaking 5 ribs several years ago caused. Unfortunately these medications are not compatible with pregnancy (no, I’m not pregnant) so in order to even start trying to get pregnant I need to be completely off of these medications. Several months ago my doctor and I decided on a plan to reduce my dependency on the medication slowly so that I wouldn’t have withdrawals.

One of the medications I’m on, Gabapentin, I was taking 800mg 3 times a day. I slowly reduced that to 400mg 3 times a day, and then changed the pill (initially it was an 800mg pill so I then cut it in half) to the 300mg capsule. The next step was reducing the times I took it. I started to not take one at night around June. This happened while I was going through a lot of stuff at work as well. I started getting really bad migraines. I was taking Excedrin every day. I even got a prescription medication for the migraines.  I went to see my primary care doctor and during that appointment I realized that the migraines had begun at the same time that I had changed my medication.

Cutting an even longer story short, the reduction in the Gabapentin was causing the migraines. My pain management doctor told me that this medication can also be prescribed to people who suffer from migraines. It wasn’t the reason why I was given the medication, but apparently going off the medicine is giving me that side effect. I had to go back onto it at night and now I’m in a holding pattern until my next appointment with her on October 14^th.

On top of my worries of being off all the pain medication and being in pain while attempting to get pregnant, now I’m worried that I’ll be in daily pain from the migraines. I so badly want to have my own children. Experience pregnancy and labor/birth. I worry what this new situation will mean for me. I’m very antsy for the 14^th to get here so that we can figure out what I can do to not suffer from the migraines.  

I Have to Shake My Head

I had to come out of hiding to comment on the latest news to come out of Target (because they are such a news making organization!).

I know I am late to the commenting on this… but the more I read about it and hear about it the more frustrated I become and the more I laugh out loud about the conservative views on this.

I’m sure you have all read that Target is doing away with gendering toys. No more “girls toys” and “boys toys” - it will just be toys (after all, can’t a woman or man play with them?). I think this is great for them to do. Mostly because I feel it will be easier to find things in different colors. I also think that it isn’t really a big deal!

If you think about it, honostly, when was the last time that you actually looked to see if something said “boy” or “girl” on it? When I visit the toy section (which I do quite often with nieces and a nephew) I look in each aisle. I don’t look at the signs. If I’m looking for a Barbie I look for the overwhelming pink that Mattel packages their dolls in. If I want a Hot Wheel I look for the blue. Lately I’ve been looking for Minecraft toys for both my niece and nephew (those are usually green, by the way).

Here’s the thing… those pinks and blues and greens? Those won’t change! Those companies aren’t changing their packaging (and it’s unlikely that they ever will) so you can still visually find what you are looking for. In fact, it will be easier to find things.

For example, a few years ago I was looking for Legos for a present. I had to go down multiple aisles to locate them. Why? Because the Legos were not all side by side but they had blue ones in one aisle and pink/red ones in another. Why the hell were the Legos not next to each other? Problem solved, according to Target that is how they will be placed now.

I watched Fox & Friends’ report on this and I was cracking up. They made it seem that they have no mind of their own and they needed Target to tell them “Republican: THIS IS A BOY TOY!”. They couldn’t make that decision on their own. For one, I have enough brain cells to make the decision as to which toy to buy for a specific person on my own.

Although I don’t have any of my kids yet, the plan is to start trying next year. I hope that anyone who decides to buy toys or other gifts that may be considered “boy” or “girl” make the decision to get my daughter blue things and my son pink or red things. I don’t think it is necessary to start telling kids blue is for boys and pink is for girls.

That said, I believe that children will intrinsically be attracted to certain things (for example, I prefer blue over pink - most of my clothing vary in the blue color spectrum), but they can make that decision when they are older and have an opinion. If I want to buy a baby doll for my 2 year old son, why the hell shouldn’t I and why should Target (or any other person or company) tell me that, no - that is a girls’ toy?

I know this was a bit jumbled, but I had it rolling around my mind and I wanted to express it.

Nice... Long... Vacation!

I’m relaxed after 10 days away from work. Unfortunately I go back today and I’m not looking forward to it. I haven’t heard back from certain people that I should’ve heard back from and I might have some e-mails waiting for me when I get to work.

So I’m nervous to say the least.

But let’s talk about nice things - the past 10 days!

Thomas has to travel for work several times a year. Several times it is in boring places like Missouri and New Mexico (oops… anyone reading this from those states?) but other times he gets to go to fun places like Baltimore, Maryland - barely an hour away from Washington D.C. I have been to DC before, but it was when I was 10 and on a school field trip so my memories are fuzzy.

I had been hoping he’d be sent to Baltimore for the last year and it finally came through. We headed out there on Friday morning for a week long trip. Thomas only had to work on Monday for a few hours, and then all day on Tuesday and Wednesday which gave us plenty of time to spend some time together and tour the cities.

Because of the time difference we didn’t have much time to do anything on Friday after getting the rental car and checking into the hotel. We were starving and enjoyed dinner at Guy Fieri’s restaurant in the local casino and in the afternoon, while Thomas caught up on sleep, I watched Argentina win a game in the Copa America (which they sadly came in 2nd place this past Saturday).

The weekend was dedicated to DC. I found a walking tour of the city on TripAdvisor who was awesome. It was a free tour that functioned just on tips. The guy is a retired teacher who loves the city. He gave a lot of information and showed us the main sights. We started off by checking out the White House and Washington Memorial - from a far of course. We also saw the Vietnam, World War II, Lincoln, and Korean Memorials.

Saturday was a muggy day with rain in sight. Luckily, though, it held out all throughout our tour (for the most part). As soon as it was over, though, it started pouring. In such a way that my jeans were soaked, my sweatshirt was soaked, and my poor shoes were completely soaked. It made the afternoon uncomfortable, but we were able to enjoy the American History museum. I was cranky most of the time, but Thomas did well to pull me out of my crankiness (he has had to learn!).

We ran out of time on Saturday, so on Sunday we headed to the National Holocaust Museum which took a few hours to go through. Afterwards we enjoyed a nice lunch before braving the DC Metro to get to Arlington National Cemetery and then to the Pentagon.

On Monday we got to enjoy visiting the Inner Harbor in Baltimore and have some fun.

On Tuesday I got to go to Pennsylvania where one of my dad’s cousins’ lives. My dad has never met this cousin and they’ve never been in contact until several years ago when I got in contact with them. This was the first time that anyone had been able to visit him and I was very excited to get the opportunity! This cousin is 94 years old and is still moving around, cooking dinner, and has better printing than most men a third his age. He knew my grandma, whom I never got to meet and has been the family historian. I was glad to get to pick his brain a little bit!

It was an all around great trip and I’m glad I got to go along with Thomas on it. I’m hoping he gets sent to New York City again and also Niagara Falls! In the meantime this will suffice.

Coming home was nice because I still had 3 ½ days left on my break and I also got to celebrate the 4th of July - one of my favorite holidays!

I also got to buy a Chromebook which is where I’m typing this. My MacBook Pro is on its last legs and was not lasting on a battery charge for long and took forever to do anything. So far, after a false start with a Samsung version of the laptop, I am liking this Toshiba version. The laptop is light, portable, and easy to use! Score! Even better, it was only $300!

Traveling... Traveling...

I’ve been very fortunate this year. In January I went to the Bay Area to celebrate my niece’s 10^th birthday and spend time with my sister.

In April I went on a short weekend trip with my husband up the California Coast to celebrate our 1^st Wedding Anniversary.

In August my husband and I will be heading to Las Vegas (because of one of those lame time share offer things) for a few days.

In October my husband and I will be going to a Rascal Flatt’s Concert with his parents and then to Scottsdale, Arizona to spend a week at the Four Seasons there. I’ve never been to a four seasons, but my husband tells me that it will be worth being in the dessert for 6 or 7 days.

And then in December I will be going to my sisters’ house again to celebrate Christmas with her family and enjoy her fantabulous cooking!

At the end of this month I will be heading to Maryland and to Washington DC for almost a week. My husband travels for work and has some work to do in Maryland at the beginning of July, so we figured we should take advantage of the hotel his work is paying and get me out there with him so I can tour D.C.

I’ve bene to DC before, but it was exactly 20 years ago when I culminated 5^th grade. It was our end of the year field trip. I was only 10 at the time, so while I do remember some parts of it, most of it is lost to the pictures I took (really BAD pictures, that is).

This time I get to plan where I go and what I do. I already got tickets to tour the Capital through the office of my Congressman (but since it is sort of a last minute trip it’s too late to get into the White House – although I DID get to do that in 1995). I am also planning on doing a walking tour of the area (FREE!) and maybe, possibly a hop-on, hop-off tour – but I haven’t decided that part yet.

I know I definitely want to go to the Arlington National Cemetery and see the Grave of the Unknown and the changing of the guards (there is a great documentary about this on Netflix) and see the Kennedy graves. I want to check out all the monuments and take pictures on the mall.

If you have any suggestions as to where to go, what to see, or which restaurants I really should check out – PLEASE let me know! I love recommendations!

Nikki's Graduation + Six Flags Magic Mountain!

I was there on the day of her birth. I helped my sister-in-law deliver her (well, I held her leg, that’s helping, right?).

I spent the next 9 ½ years of her life with her on a daily basis. Taking her to birthday parties, to the park, swimming, to amusement parks, reading to her, doing homework with her… she slept with me every Friday night and we watched cartoons or other shows. We played games and went on vacation together.

She is more than “just my niece”. She is a big part of my life.

This is Nikki starting Kindergarten and finishing 5th Grade!

On June 3^rd she finished 5^th grade. How is it possible that this much time has gone by?

She was so excited leading up to this day. She volunteered to speak and introduce a slide show (stupid me didn’t catch the beginning on video – stupid!). (Just like her aunt) she won the Presidential Education Award of Excellence from Barack Obama (mine was from Clinton).  I am so proud of my little girl!

After graduation we had a quick lunch and then, along with her parents and brother, headed to Six Flags Magic Mountain (for those of you who don’t know, this is a theme/amusement park). I worked there once when I was 15 (because it was the only place that hired 15 year olds back then) but I hadn’t been back in many years. In the time since I had last been there they added a handful of new big roller coasters.

I LOVE roller coasters (although not waiting in line for them). Since we went on a weekday and not all schools were out yet, the lines were relatively short so we got to go on all the big rides I wanted to enjoy.

My brother and his family have season passes and so I was able to get in for free with them – hopefully I’ll get that chance again because I REALLY enjoyed it!

My 1st Anniversary Trip! (picture heavy)

I was completely unsure of what to do for our anniversary. We went back and forth. Initially I wanted to do a week-long trip up the California coast. Thomas was not fond of this idea. Neither was he fond of the idea of going to Europe – for financial reasons.

I asked for help from the ever so trusty Facebook and Hearst Castle was suggested. I had been there years and years ago and the same was true for Thomas. It’s a 3 or so hour drive from our home so it was a good choice. We left on Saturday morning and headed directly to the Castle. (You can read about the Castle here). I had pre-purchased a tour ($25 for each, so not too cheap) and we waited around and did some gift shop shopping before watching a movie that told the history of the Castle. Finally we headed into the Castle in the afternoon.

A couple of miles up the coast from the castle is a place where Elephant Seals congregate. These things are HUGE! We enjoyed seeing those as well as little chipmunks that were climbing up another guys’ pant legs!

After that we drove back down the coast to Morro Bay. I had never been there, I hadn’t even heard of it.

It’s a quaint little town in the Central Coast, with incredible ocean views and a huge rock which used to be a volcano! We stayed at the Masterpiece Hotel only a few blocks from the beach/waterfront. The first night we had a nice room and they gave us a bottle of sparkling apple cider and card for our anniversary. The next day we asked if they had any of their Jacuzzi rooms available which I had read about online.

Because the lady working the front counter has a daughter who is planning a wedding she was in the giving mood for a couple on their first anniversary and for barely a little bit more she upgraded us to their suite. The room was GORGEOUS! Words can’t do it justice, so I’ll let the pictures do the job:

On Sunday we decided to walk down their waterfront and just figure out what to do. I really wanted to go kayaking and had been looking forward to it, but (un)fortunately SoCal has had a pretty cool Spring (does that mean our summer is going to be more of a scorcher than usual?) and it was windy so we decided to skip out on the kayaking. Instead we did a nice tour of the area by boat. Nice part? They served alcohol on the boat! Woo!

There was also a kite festival so we walked over to that and enjoyed some viewing of the event. We were impressed by the size of many of the kites.

We relaxed in the hotel before heading out to dinner at Window on the Water – a beautiful restaurant that was recommended to me by a friend as well as by amazing reviews. They gave us a nice window seat and we watched the sunset. The food was DELICIOUS!!

Monday was time to head back. We checked out of the hotel and headed down the coast. As we drove down we decided to take a side trip to Solvang – a little Danish town. I had been to it many times before with my family but this was the first time we went as a couple. Unfortunately Thomas had to be on his phone for most of the time for a work call, but it was still nice to walk around. We had lunch at a popular pizza place and enjoyed a tour by horse drawn carriage. We then finished it off with some delicious ice cream.

This is a classic picture of me... we have one from every time I've gone to Solvang.

On our way back to the freeway we stopped at an Ostrich Farm! I had never seen this before and am so happy that we spotted it! We got to go in for a few dollars and feed the ostriches and emus! They are strong peckers for their food! They had baby ones as well which I did go ahead and pet – they were super soft!